Caffeine, alcohol, marijuana, coke, ecstasy, speed - feh! Who needs them? They're all so... imperfect.
Sure, caffeine helps you stay alert, but it rots your stomach and makes your sweat smell sour and needs to be consumed in ever-increasing amounts in order to remain effective. Alcohol can be fun - until you're waking up with a pounding hangover and a nagging sensation that you did something incredibly stupid the night before, and you're terrified to discover exactly what that something was, or what that big lump in the bed beside you might be.
Pot makes you talk reaaaaal sloooooooowly and can make you sound like you're a bit too intellectually challenged to be taken seriously, especially when you start talking about how SpongeBob SquarePants has a deeper subtext than most people realize and is actually a work of great philosophical genius.
Ecstasy makes you act like a fool around people who wear velour, coke makes you think you're a million times cooler than you really are, and speed - well, as far as I can figure out, speed makes you want to shave your head and slam-dance naked with a bunch of shirtless guys in army boots.
Thanks, but no thanks... I've got me a new drug! Give me the sweet, sweet rush of endorphins, the natural hormones that enable you to cope with unimaginable amounts of physical pain then promptly forget all about it moments later. Endorphins, the wonder drug that mellows you out, cheers you up, and gives you the energy you need to function on 90 minutes of sleep for days on end. Want to dance all night while grooving on the rainbow love that ties us all together, all the living things and the planets and stars and pinwheel galaxies that spiral their way through the heavens above? Try endorphins! Want to push yourself to the outer limits of your endurance and punch your way through the pain barrier to emerge victorious on the other side? Endorphins! Want to live in a state of pure bliss, untouched by the ugliness and suffering ubiquitous in the world around you? Endorphins, endorphins, endorphins!!!
Now, if only I could find an easier way besides going through eight hours of labour to get me some more of that sweet stuff...